What is Envy?

Written by Stella W.

Ever had that moment where your friend crushes it in a game, gets the perfect internship, or wins that competition you also tried for… and instead of being 100% happy for them, you feel a tiny (or not-so-tiny) ugh in your chest?  Annoyed?  Resentment?  Yeah, envy shows up for everyone, even the most supportive people. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad friend or a <insert negative self-talk> human; it just means you’re human. Everyone experiences that uncomfortable twist in their stomach when someone else gets something they want.

What is Actually Going On Here?

Let's break down the vocab real quick:

💜Envy is basically that feeling of wanting something someone else has, whether that’s recognition, success, looks, opportunities, or attention. The list can be endless.  Envy wants to tell you something. Usually:

“I wish I had that.”

“I’m afraid I’m falling behind.”

“I want to feel proud of myself too.”

💜Jealousy.  Fun fact: it’s different from jealousy, which is more about being afraid of losing something you already have.

Envy kicks in because we naturally compare ourselves to the people around us, especially friends who are in similar situations.  This is especially true when we’re scrolling through social media, where people only show their highlight reels and none of the messy stuff.  Or when friends or family members compare us.  A friend’s success can feel like a spotlight on what you don't have yet, and make you feel like you are in a shadow.  Add in some self-doubt or low self-esteem, and suddenly your friend's achievement feels like proof that you're not good enough.

Myth Buster Alert

✖️Myth: Feeling envy makes you a bad friend.

✔️Fact: Envy is normal but how you respond matters.

Envy is often a signal, not a moral failing. It usually shows up when someone else has something you deeply want or feel insecure about. 

Why This Actually Matters

You might notice yourself avoiding that friend, talking yourself down with thoughts like “I’ll never be as good as them.” The problem isn’t the feeling itself; it’s what happens if you ignore it. Suddenly friendships get weird, your confidence takes a hit, and you might even slip into petty behaviors you don’t actually feel good about.

How to Actually Deal

The good news? Envy is manageable. You can handle envy in a way that actually makes you feel better and keeps your friendships strong. Start by admitting the feeling instead of pretending it’s not there. It sounds simple, but naming it takes the power away from it. Then refocus on your own path - your goals, your progress, your wins (big or tiny). Practice celebrating your friends’ successes instead of comparing.  This is difficult to do without denying your real emotions as it’s hard to fake happiness. Choose to be supportive while recognizing your emotions.  Tell yourself, as an example:

“I’ m genuinely struggling to feel happy for them right now… but I can still send the congratulatory text, because I care about them and I’m working on my own stuff.”

Also, use their wins as inspiration for what’s possible for you. Ask them how they did it.  Life isn't a competition where only one person gets to be happy or successful. The more you can root for your friends while also working on your own goals, the less power envy has over you. Your friendships will be stronger, you'll feel better about yourself, and honestly? Success feels way better when you have friends who are genuinely happy for you.  Be the friend you'd want to have.

The Bottom Line

Feeling envy is normal. How you handle it is what decides whether it chips away at your self-esteem or helps you grow.