What Are Toxic Behaviors?

Written by Stella W.

You have a friend who constantly puts you down, but then says “I'm just joking” (at your expense!) when you get upset. Or maybe someone in your life makes you feel guilty every time you hang out with other people, like you're betraying them. You find yourself apologizing all the time, even when you didn't do anything wrong. You're walking on eggshells, never sure what will set them off. After spending time with them, you feel drained, anxious, or bad about yourself.  However, you can't quite explain why. That's what toxic behavior feels like.

Toxic behavior isn't always obvious. It's not just yelling or being openly mean. Sometimes it's subtle, manipulative, and hard to spot until you realize how bad it makes you feel. Learning to recognize these patterns and set boundaries is one of the most important things you can do to protect your mental health and build healthy relationships.

What is Going On Here?

Let's break down the vocab real quick:

💜 Toxic Behaviors.  Actions that consistently harm your mental or emotional health (manipulate, control, belittle or confuse you).  They’re not “one bad mood” moments. Toxic behavior is a pattern that leaves you feeling worse about yourself.  They can show up IRL or online.

💜 Manipulation.  When someone uses guilt, pressure, or emotional tricks to get what they want, even if it hurts you.  Guilt-tripping you into doing what they want, playing the victim to avoid responsibility, twisting your words, or using your insecurities against you.

💜 Gaslighting.  When someone makes you question your own memory, feelings, or reality.  Example: “You’re imagining things,” when you know something happened.

💜 Jealousy & Control.  This isn’t “cute possessiveness.” This is someone monitoring what you do, who you talk to, or making you feel guilty for having other relationships.

💜 Healthy Conflict vs. Toxic Behavior. Arguments happen. Disagreements happen. That’s normal. Toxic behavior is when someone constantly criticizes, blames, manipulates, or disrespects your boundaries. The focus should be on recognizing harmful behaviors, not labeling everyone as "toxic."

💜 Toxic vs. Healthy Conflict.   All relationships have conflict.  That's normal. Healthy conflict involves respectful disagreement, listening, compromise, and resolution. Toxic behavior involves blame, manipulation, refusal to take responsibility, constant criticism, or using conflict to control or hurt someone.

Why Does This Matter?

💜  Toxic behaviors don't just feel bad in the moment. They damage your self-esteem, mental health, and ability to trust others. The longer you're exposed to them, the more they mess with your sense of what's normal or acceptable in relationships.

💜  Some people display toxic behaviors because that's what they learned growing up, they're dealing with their own unresolved issues, or they lack self-awareness. That doesn't make the behavior okay, but understanding this helps you realize it's not about you.  It's about their patterns.

💜 You're Not “Too Sensitive” - If someone's behavior makes you feel consistently bad, confused, or drained, trust that instinct. Toxic people often make you question your own reality or feelings. You're recognizing something isn't right.

What Do Toxic Behaviors Look Like?

Toxic behaviors show up in many forms, and they're not always easy to spot at first:

✔️ constant criticism or put-downs disguised as “jokes” or “just being honest”
✔️ guilt-tripping or emotional manipulation
✔️ gaslighting or twisting your words
✔️controlling behavior – telling you who can be friends with, getting angry when you spend time with others and checking your phone or social media, dictating what you wear and how you act
✔️ jealousy, or possessiveness – acting like they own you, getting upset when you succeed or get attention from others, making you feel guilty for spending time with friends or family
✔️ passive-aggressive behavior like silent treatment
✔️ no respect for your boundaries – making you feel guilty for having limits or ignoring when you say “no”
✔️ blame shifting – never taking responsibility and making everything your fault
✔️ lying or spreading rumors, gossiping about you, sharing your secrets, or making up stories to damage your reputation or turn others against you
✔️ hot and cold behavior – being super nice one moment and cruel the next, leaving you confused and constantly trying to earn their approval
✔️ playing the victim where they are always wronged, using their problems to avoid accountability or manipulate sympathy
✔️ isolation by gradually pulling you away from other friends or family making you dependent on them.  

How Toxic Behaviors Show Up in Relationships

💜 In friendships: A toxic friend might constantly one-up you, compete with you instead of supporting you, only reach out when they need something, share your private information, or make you feel bad about yourself. The friendship feels one-sided, exhausting, and conditional, where their affection depends on you doing what they want.

💜 In romantic relationships: Toxic behavior can look like jealousy disguised as "caring," controlling who you talk to or where you go, pressuring you physically or emotionally, checking your phone, making you feel like you're "too much" or "not enough," or blaming you for their feelings ("You made me do this").

💜 Online and in group settings: Toxic behavior includes subtweeting or posting things clearly aimed at you, excluding you from group chats or plans, sharing screenshots of private conversations, cyberbullying, or performative kindness in public while being cruel in private.

💜 With family: While family dynamics are complicated, toxic behavior can still happen such as constant criticism, invalidating your feelings, comparing you to others, using love as a bargaining chip, or refusing to respect your boundaries or privacy.

Why Recognizing This Matters

The longer you're in a toxic situation, the more it affects you:

💜 Your self-esteem takes a hit. Constant criticism, manipulation, or gaslighting makes you doubt yourself, your worth, and your instincts. You start believing the negative things they say about you.

💜 Your mental health suffers. Toxic relationships are linked to anxiety, depression, stress, and even physical symptoms like headaches or stomach problems. You're always on edge, trying to keep the peace or avoid setting them off.

💜 You lose yourself. Toxic people often slowly change you.  You stop doing things you love, distance yourself from other friends, or change your personality to avoid conflict. You become smaller to make room for them.

💜 Your other relationships suffer. When you're drained by one toxic relationship, you have less energy for healthy ones. You might also start normalizing toxic behaviors and accepting them in other areas of your life.

💜 You feel trapped. Toxic people are often good at making you feel like you can't leave, that you're overreacting, or that no one else will want you. None of that is true.

Myth Buster

✖️ Myth: “Toxic behavior is always obvious.”
✔️ Fact: It’s often subtle like microaggressions, controlling “jokes,” guilt-tripping, or emotional pressure.

Toxic behavior doesn’t always look like yelling or bullying. Sometimes it looks like fake niceness, silent treatment, or “I was just joking.”

✖️ Myth: If someone apologizes, the behavior is fixed.
✔️ Fact: Apologies without changed behavior are manipulation. Toxic people often apologize beautifully, then do the same thing again. Real change requires consistent effort over time, not just words.

✖️ Myth: You can fix or change a toxic person if you just love them enough or try harder.
✔️ Fact: You can't change someone who doesn't want to change. Trying to fix them usually just drains you and keeps you stuck. People only change when they recognize the problem and commit to working on it themselves. 

How to Protect Yourself & Set Boundaries

Here’s what helps when you’re around toxic patterns:

✔️ Name the behavior. Recognizing it is the first step.
✔️ Set boundaries. “I’m not okay with that,” “Please stop,” or limiting contact.
✔️ Limit access to your energy. Distance is a valid form of self-protection.
✔️ Talk to someone you trust. A counselor, teacher, parent, or mentor.
✔️ Stay grounded in your reality. Don’t let someone rewrite your story.
✔️ Don’t fight toxicity with toxicity. Protect yourself without becoming what hurt you.

💜 Trust your instincts. If something feels wrong, it probably is. Don't let anyone convince you that you're overreacting or being too sensitive. Your feelings are valid.

💜 Document if necessary. If the behavior involves harassment, threats, or spreading rumors, save screenshots, messages, or evidence. You might need it later, especially if you need to involve school authorities or adults.

💜 Work on rebuilding your self-esteem. Toxic relationships damage how you see yourself. Spend time with people who make you feel good, do things you enjoy, and remind yourself that you deserve respect and kindness.

💜 Don't fall for the “change” cycle. Toxic people often promise to change, act better for a little while, then revert back. Don't keep giving chances if the pattern keeps repeating. Believe their actions, not their words.

💜 Get professional help if you need it. If you're stuck in a toxic relationship and can't get out on your own, especially if it involves abuse, threats, or control, talk to a school counselor, therapist, or call a helpline. You don't have to handle this alone.

The Bottom Line

Toxic behaviors aren't always loud or obvious. Sometimes they're quiet, subtle, and wrapped in "jokes" or "concern." But if a relationship consistently makes you feel bad, drained, confused, or small, that's your sign that something's wrong. You deserve friendships and relationships where you feel respected, valued, and safe.  Not everyone will like it when you start standing up for yourself, but the people who truly care about you will respect it. And those are the relationships worth keeping.